I Want To Tell You Everything Will Be Fine (remix)
by Theb99fangirlnextdoor
Summary: Amy gets raped one night. Rosa's there to help. Originally posted under the title I Want To Tell You Everything Will Be Fine (but i'm afraid that it's a waste of your time) on AO3 by shalelightstone Written from Amy's POV
1. Chapter 1

This story was originally written by shalelightstone on A03, I decided to do a remix from Amy's perspective because the original is focused on Rosa. Let me know what you think.

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE

Chapter Text

If you ever watch a movie or read a book that portrays sexual assault, there's invariably some sort of scuffle.

I struggled at first. It was instinct. But tonight I earned a bite on my shoulder for my efforts. It threw me off enough for him to have time to pin me against my bed and rip off my clothes.

After that, I tried to lash out, to kick, to scatch, to bite, but my body was refused to obey my orders. I just stared up at him, paralysed.

In that moment, I didn't exist.

When he left, I became aware of how loud I was sobbing. My fist was clenching the partly ripped off sheet. The duvet lay crumpled on the floor. My clothes had been partially torn and flung across the room. My favourite lamp was broken, and I knew by feel alone that I had a black eye.

The detective in me was telling me to lock the door, then grab my phone and call for help, but I just wanted to sleep and forget this ever happened. I shuffled off the blood patch slightly and curled up on the corner of the mattress, closing my eyes.

Sirens were blaring in the distance, causing a ripple of car horns to go off as they scrambled to try to get out of the way, setting off the neighbours dog. A large group of people were stood outside, laughing. The flat below us was having a party and being rather inconsiderate about noise levels. Since when is New York so fucking loud?

I take a couple of deep breaths in between sobs and close my eyes again.

But then some moron slams a door a few flats down, and I give in. He could break in whenever he wanted. I slowly sit myself up, all too aware of my throbbing muscles, and reach for my phone.

I panicked when I heard a key in the lock. I knew it could be Teddy, that he could be coming back to hurt me, but I was paralysed. I tried to scream, but my mouth isn't working. It was as if it was happening all over again. Like an endless reel of film, I couldn't pause.

"Can you tell me who did this to you?" I blinked. Rosa was crouched by my bed, eye level with me. When had she got here? Her tone was softer than it usually was. One I recognised from when we dealt with victims of crime at the precinct. I could tell she was scared. That she knew precisely what had gone on. I knew to tell her would be to complicate things. But I didn't want her to be sad as well, so I gave her what she wanted.

"Teddy."

My own words hit me hard. I hadn't expected my voice to be so shaky or so quiet. I certainly hadn't planned to burst into tears and begin to tremble violently when I said his name. I closed my eyes tightly, gasping for breath, begging my mind not to replay the scene.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sensation of warm leather being draped over my back. I knew by its familiar fragrance it was Rosa's. Then, with it, a hand rested on my shoulder. I flinched at first, as it was unexpected, but I quickly relaxed.

It's what I focused on. Her hand. The weight of it. The coconut smell that lingered in the air. The warm material that was laid against my skin, protecting my dignity. Slowly, my sobs settled.

"Amy, I'm really sorry about this, but I need you to answer this, so I know how to help you." I silently begged her not to ask, knowing if I had to speak I'd start sobbing hysterically again. " Did...did he take advantage of you?"

I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut and clinging to the sheets as the reality of the situation came crashing down on me all at once.

Rosa's rubbing my shoulder with her thumb, bringing me out of my spiral. She's so different from the Rosa I know from work. I take a deep breath in and nod.

"Can I take you to the hospital?"

Telling Rosa was one thing, but going to the hospital and reporting it meant that it would be escalated - I'd never be able to look anyone in the NYPD in the eye again. Not after taking one of their finest officers from them.

It takes a moment for me to get my voice to work without bursting into hysterics. "I...I don't want to report it," I whisper. "You don't have to report it, I just want to get you checked out. Make sure there is no serious damage," I hesitated. It was probably a good idea. Teddy might be a cop, but I didn't know if he was clean. We were regularly in contact with all kinds of bodily fluids as part of the job. What if I caught an STD? What if I got pregnant? My parents won't let me have an abortion. Can I be a mother? Who's going to help me raise it? What about my job?

"Will you let me take you?" Rosa's voice brings me back to the present. I nod, slowly. It's a good idea. I think. "Thank you." She whispers. She stands up and goes and fetches me some comfy sweats before helping me to get dressed. It hurts, but I don't cry or whimper. I'm too tired for that.

I watch numbly as she collects my discarded clothes off the floor and places them into a bag. I know the drill. I'm a detective with the NYPD. It's just in case I change my mind about reporting it. But I won't. Simple as. I can't ruin my future before it's even begun.

Slowly, I stagger out of my room, clutching onto Rosa's arm. It hurts to walk, and I'm sure I'm bleeding again. Upon reaching the door, I turn back for one final look at my destroyed apartment as Rosa grabs my car keys and locks up. "Come on, let's get you out of here." She whispers, guiding me down to her car.


	2. Chapter 2

When we pulled up outside the hospital, I felt sick. I looked a mess, and now I was going to have to wait in a room full of people staring at me. "I won't leave you, okay?" Rosa whispered, reaching over the centre console to hold my hand. I nod my head, pulling her oversized jacket around my body.

Rosa is trying to help me out of the car when it strikes me. Teddy could be in there looking for me. Noting my hesitation, Rosa stops pulling me up and instead crouches down. "You scared?" I nod. "Do you want me to call reception and see if we can get you straight into a side room?" I nod again. "Okay." Rosa stands up and closes the door, standing guard as she makes the call.

"Okay, the said they'd got a side room we can head to, but we've got to walk through the ER waiting room to get there." I sit myself up, trying to control my shaky breath. Teddy could be waiting there for me. He was my boyfriend, so he was next of kin, which means they'll tell him everything. Rosa rubs my hand "I know it's not ideal, but you can hold onto me, and I'll get you through as quickly as possible, okay?" I nodded, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, reminding myself I had Rosa, the NYPD's most badass detective.

Rosa leads me through the automatic doors at the hospital. I'm instantly hit with the bright, unforgiving lights and smell of bleach as we enter. I try to focus on the sound of Rosa's heeled boots on the clean laminate floor as we enter the busy ER waiting room, but I can't stop myself from freezing as I automatically scan the room for Teddy, oblivious to the sudden fall of silence. A mother who was sat a few meters away from where we're stood picks up her toddler and begins to rock him. Everyone else gawps. Rosa strokes my hand and murmurs reassurances in Spanish as I continue to study the room frantically.

Where was he? I knew he was hiding here somewhere, waiting to pounce. Why didn't I agree to have sex? If I had, I wouldn't be stood here like a prize hog at a fair. I'm so stupid. I should have just said yes.

It's Rosa who notices I'm spiralling first. She squeezes my hand to bring my focus back to her; then she attracts the attention of a receptionist, who, upon realising who I am (not that difficult to work out), shows us into a quiet side room. Sensing my hesitation, Rosa goes in first. Turning around after a brief look around the room she nods at me, and I shuffle into the small room, perching myself on the end of the bed. "The nurse will be though in a moment." I had forgotten the receptionist was with us, and her voice makes me jump. She smiles at me before leaving, closing the door behind her.

Now we're alone; I cling onto Rosa, who's standing between me and the door. "You worried he's going to come here looking for you?" I nod, still gripping onto her top. "He won't; it's too risky." She whispers "But if for whatever reason he does show up, I'm not going to let him anywhere near you, _chica_." Rosa perches next to me, rubbing my back as tones of hushed Spanish tumble from her lips.

Eventually, I begin to calm down, so Rosa shifts onto a nearby chair but continues holding my hand. "I know you don't want to report it, but do you think you might let them do a SAEK?" I instantly stiffen and pull my hand away. SAEK stood for Sexual Assault Evidence Kit, more commonly referred to as a rape kit, and I knew I didn't want one. "I know it's scary, but it means if you do decide to report it, you've all the evidence you need right there."

In theory, it sounds like a good idea, but being a detective, I know exactly what goes on in them. One of the first parts is telling the SANE ( Sexual Assult Nurse Examiner) what happened, in detail. Rosa and I have worked together for years, and we've even gone into active shooter situations as partners. Even so, I am not talking about what happened, not to her, not to anyone.

"Amy?" Rosa gently reaches out and squeezes my hand, bringing my attention back to her. "Are you scared about talking about what happened?" I nod. "We can skip that part if you want, and just do the collection?" I hesitate for a second "If you want I'll stay with you and speak for you?" I look into Rosa's kind eyes and give a small nod, making Rosa smile. "Thank you."

About 15 minutes later, a SANE (Sexual Assult Nurse Examiner) nurse in her mid-thirties walked in "I'm nurse Regan, and I'm going to perform your SAEK today," She turned to Rosa "Miss, would you mind waiting outside?" I whimpered and clung onto Rosa's hand tighter. "I'm staying." Rosa suddenly seemed a lot more like Rosa with a scowl on her face. The nurse sighed "Okay, just be aware you could be called upon as a witness if this goes to court." I closed my eyes and gripped Rosa's hand tighter at the thought of court. Rosa stands up and pulls me into her chest, so I don't see the evil looks she shoots the nurse. "We don't have to worry about that right now."

"Okay, the first thing I'm going to ask is for your consent. This test is split into different parts, and you can consent to some of them, none of them or all of them, although be aware the more you consent to the more likely we are to get a prosecution if this is reported. You can ask me to stop, pause or skip a step at any time, even if you've consented already. Do you understand?" Taking a deep breath, I nod.

The first part is the part I don't even want to think about. "Can you tell me what happened tonight?" Rosa interjects for me "She wants to skip this part." The nurse raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment and moves onto the next section.

I sit quietly as my vitals were taken and recorded on a sheet. Next, it's the mouth swabs. "These get rubbed around your mouth, between your gum and cheek, under your tongue and over your gums, okay?" I nod and reach out to take the first Q tip from her, but she pulls away. "I do this part." I sigh and open my mouth. When both of those are sufficiently covered in saliva (urah) the nurse rubs them on a slide and leaves it out to dry before picking up what looks like a tiny brush and rubbing the insides of my cheek. It tickles.

I'm then asked to stand on a piece of paper and undress. I glance up at Rosa as I let go of her hand and shuffle uncertainly onto the cool paper. "It's okay, _chica_." She continues to murmur her praises in Spanish as I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and slide Rosa's leather jacket off my shoulders. I don't want to give it up, but I hold it out to the nurse so she can pop it in the paper bag she's rustling.

Before I know it, I'm stood stark naked in front of a complete stranger. I can tell Rosa's trying not to react to my bruised body, and it proves too much for me. I furiously wipe away the tears as I brace myself to be touched. The gloved nurse runs her hands through my hair and down my body. Certain parts are sore and tender to the touch, while others I don't want her touching at all, but I force myself to stand still and focus on Rosa's praises.

The nurse stands upright, turning around to go through the checklist. "What language are you speaking to her?" Rosa glances at me as if to ask permission. I nod. "Spanish." The nurse looks up from the sheet, smiling "It's always nice when we get sisters in here." Rosa snorts "No, we're friends, we just happen to be able to speak Spanish." The nurse shuts up after that.

Picking up what looks like a torch, the nurse shines it over my body. A small blob on the back of my leg glows, and the nurse runs a wet q tip over it, making me jump slightly. She does the same with the bite on my shoulder, but this time I'm braced, and I don't flinch when she presses the cool q tip against my wound (although it does sting badly).

The nurse pulls out a camera and asks me to turn around. I tried not to get self-conscious as she took photos of the finger marks across my breasts, but fail. I knew it had to be done, so I tolerate+ it, following the nurse's orders and changing my position as appropriate. That photo of me throwing up into a pillowcase is no longer the worst photo of me in existence.

"This next part feels a bit like a manicure." The nurse grins. I blink and look over at Rosa, who is rolling her eyes. Holding my hand over yet another piece of paper (over the part I'm stood on) the nurse runs what looks like a toothpick under each nail. I'm then handed a comb and asked to comb through my hair. I do my head first, gently teasing the knots out, making sure the stray hairs fall on the paper. When that's done, I take a deep breath and comb through my pubic hair, which I can safely say I'm never doing again.

I'm eventually handed a gown, so I didn't have to be naked anymore and asked to sit on the bed. Rosa helps me into the hospital gown. When she's finished, I wipe my eyes, take Rosa's hand and watch as it's all carefully wrapped up and put into the collection with the swabs.

The subsequent test is what I consider to be the worst bit of the test.

"Were you penetrated vaginally?" I nod. "Anally?" I pause to think, my cheeks flushing red, before shaking my head. "Okay, lie back against the bed for me." Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, tighten my grip on Rosa's hand, and allow myself to be swabbed 'down there'. It hurts. I try not to cry again, but I'm overtired and embarrassed.

Next up were the injections. Luckily for me, I'm not scared of needles, although Rosa is. She had to look away when she saw the needle, which made me feel brave, just for a second. Once that was done, I was given a little silver packet with a single pill in it. I knew what it was even before the nurse explained it to me. I took it from her, wiping my eyes. The thought of a living thing growing inside of me, like a tapeworm, made me feel sick. "And this is your HIV prophylaxis." The nurse handed me a bottle of blue pills. I took them, squeezing my eyes shut and leaning into Rosa as I did so. I was officially at a substantial risk of HIV.

I had only stopped snuffling when the psychiatrist came in, making me nearly jump out of my skin. She was an older lady, with a kind smile and silver grey hair. "I'm sorry miss, this is a private consultation, would you mind waiting outside?" Rosa glared at her, and for a second I was petrified she was going to beat her up, but then she glances up at me, asking my permission wordlessly. I wanted her to stay, but we'd been in here three hours now, and she needed a break, so I nodded for her to go.

The psychiatrist didn't stay for long. She asked me a few yes/no questions regarding my mental state (I just nodded/ shook my head) and then gave me a card for free counselling. As she left, Rosa came back in with the nurse, armed with discharge papers. I signed them, and we were left in peace.

"Do you want to go back to my place?" Rosa asked as she helped me get into a rather uncomfortable top from lost and found. I nodded, a little surprised she'd offered. Normally I wouldn't want to impose, but my own home didn't feel safe anymore. "I called Holt while you were in psych. We will get some sleep, and then I told Holt that we were going to come in and talk to him about what happened. Again, we don't have to report it as a crime; we need to keep you safe." I nodded again. I didn't want to tell him, but we were both exhausted, and I didn't want to stress her out further. Now fully dressed, Rosa helped me to my feet and escorted me out of the room, staying slightly ahead of me at all times.

Rosa stood patiently as my legs once again froze at the sight of the ER waiting room, allowing me to scan for him before I relaxed a little and could walk again. Walking through a dark car park was also tough. Every shadow made me jump, and I would freeze every time I heard footsteps. But Rosa let me take my time, whispering her consolations in Spanish and rubbing my hand until I could move again.

I was grateful to be sitting in the safety of my car finally. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. Every time I began to drift off, I saw Teddy. So, instead, I watched the city lights through bleary eyes. The sky was a beautiful blue colour. I think they call this blue hour.

Rosa pulled into the parking garage, jumping out of the car before helping me get out and stagger up to her apartment. Unlocking the door, she showed me through to her bedroom and dug through her draws before pulling out a t-shirt and leggings. I perched on the end of Rosa's bed as she assisted me to get out of the itchy bleach scented clothes I'd been given into ones that smelled like coconut. "Take the bed." She whispers, pulling her top over her head.

This is Rosa Diaz we're talking about here. This was her apartment. Nobody in the NYPD (apart from Jake) knew where she lived. Teddy wasn't going to find me here. Even if he did, Rosa is a trained detective who has successfully tackled men twice her weight, and I know for a fact she's numerous weapons hidden around the house, but even here I didn't feel safe.

Maybe if she lay with me?

I watch Rosa as she gets changed into her PJs, trying to get my mouth to work. "Can you sleep here with me?" Rosa's head shot up, suppressed surprise evident on her face. She nodded and walked over to me, settling herself on the bed as I allowed myself to fall against the pillows.

"Do you want me to hold you tonight?" I nodded, knowing I'd probably feel better with Rosa close. She very gently laid an arm over my midriff. I don't know if it was because I was in bed, if it was where Rosa rested her arm, or just me being an overemotional idiot, but I began to bawl again.

"Come here." I rolled over onto my side and allowed Rosa to pull me into her arms, gently rubbing my back as I sobbed into her pillow. "We'll figure this out. I promise." She whispers as she kisses my head. I lean myself into her warm body and close my eyes, inevitably relaxing.


	3. Chapter 3

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I awoke to the sensation of Rosa gently shaking me. She stroked my arm as I opened my eyes and stretched out my legs under the warm duvet. "Hey, we need to get ready to go talk to Holt, okay?" I push myself into a sit, not realising how much it was going to hurt. I take in the evening light that's streaming through the blinds, blinking as Rosa gets out of bed and heads over to her wardrobe./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Do you want to shower before we leave?" I nod. I need to wash what remains of last night off me. Besides, Rosa might have persuaded me to talk to Holt, but there was no way I was showing up in the state I was in currently. Rosa passes me a towel, an NYPD tee shirt and a pair of black joggers./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I waste no time in staggering into the bathroom, closing the door, and turning the water on. I carefully place one foot over the edge of the bath, then the other. Even though I'm expecting it, I flinch at the feel of water, and last night comes flooding back to me all at once./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"There was something about being fucked that made me feel... disgusting. I know that other loving couples (like Teddy and I) not only have sex but enjoy it. The thought of him being inside me repulsed me; it felt so dirty and wrong, so mundane./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"He had been./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Tears begin to stream down my cheek as I pick up Rosa's Lofa and scrub at my skin furiously. He was all over me, and he wasn't coming off. I turned the water to as hot as it would go and sat under it. It burned, but at least now I had a chance of getting rid of him. Pouring copious amounts of soap onto my skin, I continued to scrub furiously./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Why didn't I want to have sex? Why was something I was meant to enjoy feel so... wrong? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I say yes? It was wrong of me to deny him. He loved me, and he wanted to express that love. Why wouldn't I let him?/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"A blast of cold air hit my skin. Slowly the bath curtain was being pulled back. I froze. It was Teddy. He had come for me. Where was Rosa? Had he hurt her? Was she okay? I should never have let her take me back to hers. This was a bad idea. A terrible idea. I've put her in danger, and now she's hurt, and it's all my fault./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I have never been gladder to see Rosa in all my life. It's not Teddy. I was safe. She was safe. Rosa turned off the water and laid a fluffy towel over my back. I pulled it around myself, suddenly cold. Rosa lowered herself onto the floor outside the tub opposite me. "Amy, can you tell me what is going on in your mind?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"What is going on? Should I tell her I didn't want to? Should I tell her that it makes me feel dirty and disgusting? I was confident she wouldn't laugh, but what if she thought I was weird? What if she told Holt? Oh God, I can't have him finding out about my sex life issues./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Let's get you dressed and dry, okay?" Rosa's words cut through my mind. She helped me out of the tub and got me dried and dressed. I stood there, like a baby. I hope she doesn't tell Holt about this. Or anyone else for that matter./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Now that I was dressed, Rosa sat me on the toilet lid before perching on the edge of the bath. I knew she was going to make me talk. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. Perhaps if I tell her, she could help me work this out. But what if Teddy finds out? Or what if she secretly reports it behind my back? Can you do that? I don't know if you can./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Can you tell me what you're thinking?" I stare at my upper thighs. Now was my chance to have someone listen to me. To help me figure out this mess. I work my mouth for a second, trying to form the words. "I didn't want to."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Didn't want to what, chica?" All of a sudden, everything came tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop it. "I never wanted to have sex with him, I know I should have. I know that is what couples do, I didn't want to. I never wanted to; I never wanted to have sex with anyone. I don't know why. It's not right. He deserved it. I get why he did what he did." Surprisingly, that felt a little bit better./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Amy, it is never your fault. The scumbag took advantage of you. You do not owe anyone anything, especially sex. If you don't want to have sex, that is your decision, no one else's. Do you understand?" Rosa hadn't been this firm with me since she found me last night. I know she truly believed that its 'never the victim's fault' but in my case it was. If I said yes, I wouldn't have been raped. Simple as. He was my partner. We were meant to make sacrifices for each other. "Promise me; you will not blame yourself." I nod, only because I don't want Rosa to worry./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Do you want anything to eat?" I shook my head. Breakfast smelt delicious but I knew to eat would be to gain, and, besides, we had a meeting soon and had to get ready so we weren't late. Rosa thankfully didn't push the issue and went about feeding herself while I got ready. I may have stolen Rosa's makeup, but when she saw me, she just raised an eyebrow "Looking foxy Santiago." I manage a small smile./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Hopefully, with this makeup on, Holt won't think it's a big issue and make me report it. I'm not sure you can force someone to report it anyway, but it's not worth the risk./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Ready?" Rosa asked as I stood up, dressed head to toe in her clothes (and makeup). I don't feel ready. I want to go back to bed and sleep for another week or four. But I know to say 'no' would result in Rosa worrying more, so I nod my head./p 


	4. Chapter 4

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"How do you tell your mentor that you've been raped? That was the number one question floating around my mind as Rosa drove me to the precinct. I didn't know where to begin. Do I blurt it out? Do I write it down and give it to him? Oh my God, what if he couldn't look at me anymore? What if all he saw when he did was 'the' girl who'd been raped?/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Maybe this wasn't a good idea./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"If I didn't tell him I couldn't go back to my flat. What do I do? Move out? Will I ever feel safe on my own? Will I have to move in with Rosa or, worse, my parents? If Rosa won't have me, then I'll have to move in with them. I'll have to give up my dream job and rely on my parents for everything like I was ten again. This was not how my life was supposed to go./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Amy?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I blinked a few times and looked up at Rosa who had suddenly gone pale. "You okay?" I nod "We're here. I'm going to take you in the back way, okay?" Rosa slides her hand across the centre console, just like she did last night at the hospital. "I'm so proud of you, chica." I don't know what she was proud of me for, all I was doing is going to speak to captain Holt like I'd done a thousand times before, but even so I appreciated the praise./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Rosa whispered soft Spanish as she guided me into the lift and, eventually, out into the bullpen. He hand rested on my lower back, gently propelling me forwards. The captain's office already had the blinds drawn, but the door, unlike usual, was open. Rosa stopped me in the doorway as he appeared to be working. It only took a few seconds before he glanced up and saw us standing there./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Holt stood up, closing the door behind us and gesturing at the two seats in front of his desk. "Is everything okay, Detectives?" Something was wrong with his tone. It was as if he was... worried? Oh my God. Captain Holt is worried about me. Is it wrong to ask for a paper bag when you're about to have a meeting with your boss/mentor?/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Want me to start?" I nodded, shaking slightly. It felt like a giant bubble of doom had swallowed me whole, creating an uncomfortable tightness in my chest. What if Teddy found out we had this meeting? What if he tracked me down? What if he hurt Rosa?/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Rosa slipped her hand into mine, and for some reason, it settled me as she began to speak. Okay. Last night Detective Santiago called me around midnight, asking me to come over. She had been attacked, and I took her to the hospital, where I called you."Rosa squeezed my hand. It was my turn. I spun around for a second, to check Teddy wasn't there, before setting my sights firmly on my feet and coordinating my mouth so it would let me speak. "He..." A screaming voice in my head was telling me to run far away and never come back. I seriously considered it for a second. "... raped me." Once I started, I couldn't stop "I was at home, and he came over and… he was drunk, and he wanted sex and …" I realised I didn't want to go into the details. Was that enough? I glanced up at my captain; his face had changed. Sympathy and anger. "Can you tell me who?" His tone was softer, gentler./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Oh, God. I was going to be 'the' girl who got raped, wasn't I?/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I shouldn't tell him. If I did, that's all I'll ever be. I don't think he'd believe me anyway. Teddy was so gentle. I thought about all the vulnerable people Teddy had contact with as part of his job. I knew it was probably a one-off. I was a cop. I should have been able to fight him off. I couldn't. A citizen doesn't stand a chance. I had a duty as an NYPD officer to serve and protect. Nobody was going to believe a citizen that came in off the streets and said he raped them. Teddy could be with someone now... doing it./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Teddy...Wells."br /Just like that, it was out. Officially beyond my control. He could find out and come back for me. I waited for the dread and the panic to hit me, but it didn't. I was just... numb./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"A trace of anger lingered on Holt's face. "I would suggest you formally report this. We can do it here or at another precinct, wherever you would be more comfortable, but you should. I don't think you should return to your apartment for a while. Stay with Diaz. Take some time off if you feel you need it. We will go from there. Are you going to report this?"/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Holt was my mentor and my captain. I did what he told me, immediately and without question. But this was different. The consequences of reporting rape were often dire. If he were found guilty (unlikely because out of all the cases I've seen only a handful made it to court, and only 2 of the offenders had been found guilty.) then he'd probably lose his job. Jake was nearly killed after he arrested Sophia's boss for possession. And all the charges were dropped./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Rosa squeezed my hand. She found Jake before it was too late. I briefly glanced up at Holt. He'd spent his entire career being threatened by superior officers but still made it to the top. Between the two of them, they weren't going to let anything bad happen to me. I squeezed Rosa's hand back, took a deep breath, and nodded. Holt looked pleased with me, and, just for a second, I was proud of myself./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""I don't want to do it here." Reporting it was one thing but telling someone from the night shift what happened was another. I didn't want the gossip floating around the precinct, although it was likely to happen at some point. "Not a problem. I will call over to the Nine-Five. Diaz, will you be able to take Santiago over?" Rosa smiled a little "Of course, Sir. Thank you."/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"With that, the hellish meeting was over. Certainly not one I ever want to remember, but one that was probably going to change life as I knew it forever. Holt was kind enough to open the door for us "You will get through this Amy. You will be okay." I believed him. He'd never let me down before./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Seeing the look he was giving Rosa; I decided to excuse myself "I'm just going to nip to the bathroom." I don't know what he said to Rosa when I was out of earshot, but I had a feeling it was something along the lines of keeping me safe and out of danger, which is silly because I don't need a babysitter./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Having finally reached the bathroom, I glanced around to make sure nobody was coming before pushing the door open. It seemed so big and empty in there, so I waited with my back to the wall outside of it, carefully eying the corridors just in case Teddy decided to show up. I jumped when I heard footsteps, but it was only Rosa. She waited until she was closer before whispering "You want me to go in with you, Santiago?" I nodded, blushing. I have been in this bathroom a thousand times before; I was a cop who'd taken down mass murders twice my size, but apparently, I couldn't go to the bathroom without Rosa./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I waited outside as Rosa searched the bathroom, only going in when Rosa assured me it was safe. She kept watch by the door, back turned so I could have some privacy. When I was done, she led me back to the car and began driving us to the nine - five./p 


End file.
